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emailing the flatsack who sold me the copy of diablo II that won't work on my iBook generated a response:

Brandon,

     Thank you for contacting me.  I have another 4 of these games
remaining, from the same lot as the one I shipped to you, and on the
bottom flap of each box it lists the system requirements for use with a
Mac.  I also know personally friends with macs who have successfully
installed and played the game (same version) on their computers.  So what
you're describing should not be the case.  I would ask that you check the
system requirements stated on the box and ensure that your system meets
them.  Beyond that, it would have to be some sort of error unique to your
computer.  I have a PC myself, so I probably can't be of much help in the
tech support department.  Blizzard (the game's publisher) may be able to
help though.  Their number and website should be listed somewhere in the
instruction manual.

Regards,
Seth

fuck you, guy. this ain't no user error, I've got a hella tight iBook that will run the CORRECT version of Diablo II without any struggles. I sent him a scan of the bottom of the box that lists only Windows system requirements and a link to a macobserver.com article to demonstrate to him that yes, there is, indeed, a version of Diablo II that won't work on both systems.